Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers From: cbird@chat.carleton.ca (Christopher Bird) Subject: MSTified: 5FOF! (Part 5, finally) Sorry this took so long. {Between Quintesson ship and Cybertron.} GALVATRON : Prepare, Autobots, to die in darkness! TOM: If you can't see them, how can ya shoot them? {Cybertron.} KUP : The blaster got the whole defense system! CROW: Hey, don't look at us. It was YOUR fault. ULTRA MAGNUS : Order all troops to the interior. I'll stay here and buy us some time. MIKE: God. He IS stupid. RODIMUS PRIME : Autobots, retreat to level two! ULTRA MAGNUS : Get moving, Rodimus. I'll see you later. TOM: Hopefully not. RODIMUS PRIME : Your courage will be remembered. ALL: (muffled laughter) ULTRA MAGNUS : Get moving! {Quintesson ship.} QUINT. 1-1 : Projection: eighty-four point seven seven percent probabili- ty that defeat of the Autobots will require less than twenty hours. MIKE: But what about Spike? He's human! You don't know squat about humans! QUINT. 2-2 : Naturally, we have given Galvatron something worth fighting for. QUINT. 1-? : Let us see if all goes well on Earth. CROW: Yup. Everything's cool on Earth... {Earth.} POWERGLIDE : Powerglide to intercept squad: I've spotted the Decepticon battle platform, and it's a dozy! I'm being fired on. I'll transmit its coordinates now. ALL: Poooweeerrgliiiiiiiiide! TOM: Why did we just say that? MIKE: Prolly nostalgia, for the old days. PIPES : I've got his transmission. The battle platform is headed di- rectly for Autobot Headquartes. CROW: Look! A Huffer ripoff! MIKE: But a *good* Huffer ripoff. TOM: With no mouth. WARPATH : Then -bam!- let's prepare the ambush! BUMBLEBEE : It'l be passing above us soon. CROW: Why the hell did Daniel haveta rescue him? WARPATH : Wait for my signal, and then -bam!- we'll shoot it straight up the belly. Now! Climb the hill and we'll -blooey!, blam!- finish 'im off. TOM: Huh huh huh. Warpath rules! PIPES : Powerglide, damage report? POWERGLIDE : You gave it a good trashing, Pipes. It's smokin' and... Oh no! It's got another transform: a reptilian mode. MIKE: With the amazing ability to talk in broken English! WARPATH : Pipes, alert Metroplex! CROW: Hey! He didn't even say "blam!" or "blooey!" that time! Impostor! {A/A; Autobot City.} BLASTER : Hey, Cybertron! This is Blaster blastin' at ya, and we got a passle o' hassles here. There's a monster been born and we can't transform! Cybertron! Cybertron! Come in! TOM: I take it back. Blaster is no longer cool. HUMAN : Where is the transforming cog now? BLASTER : Still on Io, Jupiter's moon. Good ol' Sky Lynx better get there soon. Oops! Wrong channel. MIKE: A-duh! QUINT. 5-1 : {V.O.} Thank you for the update. QUINT. 6-2 : We shall see how your Sky Lynx fares against the Predacons. CROW: If the Predacons are as sucky as all the other new bots, pretty damn well. MIKE: But Skylynx is new too. TOM: And so are Blurr and Wheelie. CROW: Damn. This could be close. BLASTER : Yo! Metroplex to Sky Lynx: be ware or be square. Something called "Predacons" comin' at ya. MIKE: Blaster, they used the plural form. Oh, never mind...god, you're an idiot... {On/near Io.} SKY LYNX : Understood Blaster. TOM: Look! The Challenger didn't blow up after all! It got co-opted by Hasbro! C. FAIRBORNE : Blaster, help! MIKE: She's lame. Let her die! SKY LYNX : Sky Lynx to Metroplex: I have locked on to captain Fair- borne. Sensors indicate two Autobots as well. CROW: I wonder what he transforms into? {Autobot City.} C. FAIRBORNE : {V.O.} Metroplex, this is Fairborne. {Io} We're close to the end here, Blaster. MIKE: No such luck. BLASTER : Hold your horn, Fairborne. We're sending Sky Lynx to break your jinx. C. FAIRBORNE : {Io} What's Sky Lynx? BLASTER : Er...hu. He's hard to describe, but he'll soon arrive. CROW: If he sucks, I'm suing Hasbro for ruining the Transformers. {Io.} WHEELIE : The transforming cog! Where did it go? C. FAIRBORNE : Probably cog heaven. And we're about to join it! MIKE: (announcer voice) Yes, you too can become an ace human hero if you go to the Clarissa Fairborne School Of Heroic Wit! You might even become a one-time guest star on the Transformers! {Earth, near the volcano.} WARPATH : We have no choice, -boom!,- but to make our stand here! Wham! ALL: (cheering) TRYPTICON : [growls] Crush Autobots! Crush volcano! CROW: (Trypticon voice) Take English Lessons! PIPES : Autobots, we've got to hold that thing off 'till the cog ar- rives. TOM: Let's see. You got a Brawn ripoff, a Huffer ripoff, a Windcharger ripoff, and Bumblebee. You're screwed, pal. TRYPTICON : [roars] PIPES : As Optimus Prime used to say: transform and roll out! MIKE: Except he's cool. TOGETHER : Charge! CROW: "Into the valley of death/rode the five hundred." TRYPTICON : [growls] MIXMASTER : Constructicons, let us join the battle. SCRAPPER : What's the point? We're superfluous. BONECRUSHER : Yes. Trypticon's just gonna give 'em the big stomp. MIKE: (George Clinton voice) Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! POWERGLIDE : Okay, monster, let's see how you like the old one-two. {Trypticon swats his rockets} You can't do that! {And him too} Hu-a-a-a-ow! CROW: Where's the justice, that Powerglide gets his ass kicked and Rodimus is a hero? MIKE: Hmmm. Powerglide Prime. Has possibilities... WARPATH : Try and swat this -pow-! TRYPTICON : [growls] WARPATH : I don't -zeem- believe it! U-aaah! TOM: "Zeem?" TRYPTICON : [growling] CROW: You know, he's one HELL of a conversationalist. WARPATH : Now, Teletran One, ooh, activate the defenses, oow. TRYPTICON : [growling] {Completely destroys volcano} Autobot volcano, smashed! [growling] Now, towards Autobot City! MIKE: Good old Trypticon. He makes MechaGodzilla look like Einstein. WARPATH : We never, swoop, stood a change, Blllng. PIPES : And without the transforming cog, neither does Metroplex. TOM: And this is a BAD thing? TRYPTICON : [sighing] RAMJET : The one called Ultra Magnus stands in our way. DIRGE : Death will be the reward for his heroism. Uh! Ah! Uuuh! Uh, oh. MIKE: Wow. Ultra Magnus did something useful. CROW: Well, he's served his purpose... ULTRA MAGNUS : We meet again. TOM: And if we're lucky, it'll turn out like last time. GALVATRON : Why do you not flee? Did our last encounter teach you no- thing? ULTRA MAGNUS : Not cowardice, certainly. CROW: Nor intelligence, it seems. GALVATRON : Hmhahaha! No, nor the sense to recognise when your struggle is hopeless! Another time, Autobot. There are worlds to conquer today. MIKE: NO! Blow him UP! PERCEPTOR : Meet your fate valiantly, Autobots! TOM: You get to live. {Blasted Sweep starts spinning} SWEEP A : Look out, you idiot! SWEEP B : Watch it! SWEEP C : But this is over __________ SWEEP D : Quiet, you clumsy... yoo-oo-ooh. CROW: More evidence that the movie TFs suck. GALVATRON : Blitzwing, our allies request a status report. return to the ship and make them happy. BLITZWING : As you command, Galvatron. MIKE: Yup. Blitzwing is getting a major role here. {D/D; Quintesson ship.} QUINT. 1-? : Sharkticons, your mission will take you deep into Cybertron. QUINT. 2-3 : Expect resistance from the Autobots. QUINT. 1-? : However, the Decepticons will make no attempt to stop you. {Blitzwing carefully looks around the corner} QUINT. 7 : Galvatron believes you are helping him locate the Decepticon matrix. QUINT. 1 : ...which doesn't exist. MIKE: And welcome back to Timely Exposition Theatre. QUINT. 2-3 : At coordinates omega zero one, you will find a large switch. Push it to the "down" position. QUINT. 6 : _Down_, understand? SHARKTICON : Down. CROW: You know, they could hire smarter help. TOM: Like Galvie? MIKE: He said SMARTER, not CRAZIER. QUINT. 1 : This will render all of the Transformers inert. QUINT. 2 : And Cybertron will be ours again. TOM: You wish... {D/A; Io.} C. FAIRBORNE : Is that...Sky Lynx? MIKE: No, it's Spay-C, and she's one pissed-off GoBot. SKY LYNX : Waaa, waa-aa-aa-aah. Board quickly. CROW: Or he shall be forced to transform into Bicycle Repair Bot! C. FAIRBORNE : What's that? MIKE: A lame-o plot device... BLURR : Firebolts, bolts of fire. Start complaining fix_______hurtly swarm... WHEELIE : Hardly a storm. See the circly thorn? TOM: Can't they *ever* shut up? SKY LYNX : Apparently, the Predacons did not receive Blaster's warning. MIKE: My god. He transformes into two lame-looking monsters. Well, I'm not impressed. He doesn't even transform into a ROBOT, for crissake... SKY LYNX A : [growls 4 times] SKY LYNX G : [roars once] CROW: More conversational fun. We should get the Skylynxes to chat with Trypticon. RAZORCLAW : [roars] Predacons, attack. SKY LYNX A : {Swats Predacon} [laughs] MIKE: Use your *voice*, dammit. C. FAIRBORNE : {After an evasive maneuver} Urh! TOM: So close, yet so far away. WHEELIE : Ole', sucker! HEADSTRONG : [growls] RAZORCLAW : [?] BLURR : Eh! Ohnononononononono. RAZORCLAW : [growls and reacts to shot] {by falling} CROW: Well, *they're* pathetic villains. SKY LYNX : If that is the worst the Predacons can do, we have little to fear from... {Predacons become Predaking} C. FAIRBORNE : You don't suffer from overconfidence or anything? MIKE: No, just terminal lameness. PREDAKING : He does. But, he will suffer more at the hands of Predaking. TOM: Oh, god, what a stupid name. "Ultra Magnus" is better. CROW: No it isn't. SKY LYNX G : [noise] [ow aarh] BLURR : Ah ah a-a-|ohw! WHEELIE : | PREDAKING : Har. SKY LYNX : [growl] PREDAKING : {Splits up} [?] MIKE: My, what a boring fight. TOM: Look at it this way. Once we're off Io, we won;t have to watch as day becomes night and night becomes day-in the space of five seconds... TANTRUM : Grrr. Razorclaw, come back here! SKY LYNX : Craah! Autobots! Captain Fairborne! Final boarding call for Autobot City. WHEELIE : {Tripping} The transforming cog! CROW: Welcome to Deus Ex Machina Theatre! {Autobot City.} BLASTER : Autobots, this is Blaster blastin' at ya. Report to stations on the double. One silly transform comin' up. Armless or not, we're gonna fight. Let her live. One and all. Heed the call. Ready? Steady...shack-boom. If Sky Lynx don't show, call this the end. MIKE: Not exactly "four score and seven years ago", is it? TRYPTICON : Daaarh! SKY LYNX : Sky Lynx to Blaster: beginning approach to Metroplex. We have the transformation cog. : Autobot shuttle at ten o' clock. SCRAPPER : Constructicons, fire! TRYPTICON : Wra-arh! CROW: Is he dead? Is he dead? MIKE: I'm afraid not. TOM: Waahhhhhh! SKY LYNX : Ah, arh. Blaster, I'm hit. I'm going down! MIXMASTER : Huhuhaha. Decepticons, inspect the wreckage! Find the trans- formation cog and destroy it! CROW: And any Autobots, too. Maybe they'll kill Wheelie. SKY LYNX : I cannot fly. You must get the cog to Metroplex on foot. BLURR : I got an idea. Maybe not a good idea, but an idea. You know football? We'll play. Couldn't more faster 'cause they have a play called the West-end Dodgers play. TOM: Oh, shut up. C. FAIRBORNE : Stop babbling, Blurr, and do it! BLURR : WheelieWheeliereadyreadyready for a lateral. {Wheelie catches cog and avoids Motormaster} MOTORMASTER : Warh. BONECRUSHER : Ooh. MIKE: Okay, maybe I'm missing something here, but why the hell aren't they just shooting him? WHEELIE : Hehehe. {Sees Insecticons in front of him} Oh no! Sky Lynx, catch! {Sky Lynx catches it and throws it towards Pipes at Autobot City} CROW: We get to see giants fight now. MIKE: But they won't be Omega Supreme. AUT.S AT CITY : [cheering] PIPES : We've got to install this fast. Trypticon's already off the injured list. {A/D; Cybertron.} GALVATRON : Onward, Decepticons. To the matrix and glory! BLITZWING : Galvatron, leader! GALVATRON : Did you deliver my report to our allies, Blitzwing? BLITZWING : No, mighty leader, I_ GALVATRON : No? TOM: "Why Galvatron Sucks", Volume Twelve. "He's a Moron." BLITZWING : Uh...uh... mighty Galvatron, there is no Decepticons matrix. GALVATRON : Ugh! {Hits him; he falls towards the Autobots} Tell it to the Autobots. Mmhuhahahahaha. MIKE: Okay, this is the cool part. BLITZWING : If I must. Autobots, do not shoot, I beg you! RODIMUS PRIME : He begs us? CROW: Wow. Changing sides. Neat. TOM: Whatever happened to Skyfire, while we're on the topic? BLITZWING : Listen. We are -all of us- in grave peril. Somewhere in the depths of Cybertron, a commando team of Sharkticons is about to unleash a force that will destroy us all! {D/D; Autobot City.} BLURR : Faster Pipes, faster faster faster faster. You gotta work faster, because if you don't, Trypticon is gonna stomp us and then where will we be? A_ ALL: SHUT UP! PIPES : Blurr, shut up! Done. Tell Blaster to go full transform. CROW: Pipes is all right. He told Blurr to shut up. TOM: SO did the human. MIKE: But she's annoying. BLASTER : I hear you, Metroplex. Thanks. [Transforms] METROPLEX : Wrajah! This planet's not big enough for the both of us. TRYPTICON : Me crush Metroplex! Naaarh! CROW: I miss the days of Superion and Menasor, don't you? All this seems so lame in comparison. [people panick] [Trypticon roaring] [people cheering] {Metroplex defeats Trypticon and throws him into the ocean, where something short-circuits} MIKE: They didn't waterproof him. How stupid does it get? BLASTER : Yessir, Metroplex is my kind o' town! {A/D; Cybertron.} SHARKTICON : Push down... Farh! TOM: Hey. They remembered. Wow. {Rodimus Prime & Blitzwing defeat Sharkticons} RODIMUS PRIME : Could I maybe interest you in changing sides? BLITZWING :You have my respect, but I could never leave the Decepticons. MIKE: Now *that's* pretty cool. Loyalty to evil. Wow. GALVATRON : Blitzwing, what are you doing here? Surely you're not searching for something that doesn't exist? Perhaps you hope to find the matrix for yourself? CROW: Volume Thirteen, coming up. {Takes the switch} BLITZWING : Don't! GALVATRON : Hh. Silence, traitor! {Pulls switch; all Transformers are immediately inert} ALL: (Homer Simpson voice) D'OH! {Earth.} MALE FARMER : Call darn. They plum-burned out. FEMALE FARMER : Well, no matter how new-fangled you make 'em, when they bust, they bust. CROW: Yup, nothing like hicks for a kiddie cartoon. {A/D; 4 Quintessons disembark on Cybertron} QUINT. 1-1 : Jrh. Breath in. Smell the cool metallic air of home. QUINT. 3-? : After all these many centuries, she is ours once more. QUINT. 1_3 : Your war is over, Transformers. For on this day, an empire is reborn... TOGETHER : To victory! MIKE: Please. You're sucky. You don't win. S. WITWICKY : {Takes Rodimus Prime's gun} Sorry, Quints, you blew it! CROW: Oh god, if he's saves the day I'm gonna puke. [Up and running again] TOM: Not on my hoverskirts! Use the bucket! GALVATRON : Where are they? QUINT. 2_5 : The switch! He destroyed the switch! QUINT. ?-3 : We'll never reach the surface alive! QUINT. 3-3 : The emergency escape pod! Level fourteen! RODIMUS PRIME : There they are! GALVATRON : Deceivers! Betrayers! Five-faced slime of the nebula! I will rip your tentacles from_ [don't nah?] {3 Quintessons managed to escape - 4th isn't seen} MIKE: You know, it would have been decent if we could have seen Galvie rip apart a Quint or two... {Rodimus Prime & Galvatron aim at each other} BLITZWING : Enough! {Aiming at Galvatron} This battle ends now, or I shall write its conclusion. ALL: COOL! GALVATRON : You will never be welcome in the ranks of the Decepticons again! BLITZWING : Sometimes it's better to be known for one's enemies. TOM: Wait. This is the same guy who said he could never leave the Decepticons? GALVATRON : You will suffer for this, Blitzwing. You will suffer unima- ginably. MIKE: Not as much as we did watching this. RODIMUS PRIME : Autobots, this is an uneasy victory we have won. We now know that the Decepticons are not our only foes. That another, more dangerous, race of beings also plots our destruction. Our universe will never be the same again. We Transformers have looked into the face of our creators... and seen... the face of an enemy. TOM: But a lousy one. MIKE: That's it! CROW: YES! WE MADE IT! ALL: (Cheering) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | _ | "SPOON!" -- The Tick | | / / ong |=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | / /__ ive the | Tristan Mackenzie of Clan Tremere | | (_____) egion! | (Oh: When there's no one there, it's Norg.)| =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | Remember: VOTE CTHULHU! DON'T SETTLE FOR THE LESSER EVIL! | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=