Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers From: cbird@chat.carleton.ca (Christopher Bird) Subject: MSTified: 5FOF! (part 3) CROW: After this bit, we're over the hump! Five Faces of Darkness, Episode 3 transcribed by Boris Ammerlaan (bammerla@cs.ruu.nl) RODIMUS PRIME : Autobots, let's get out'o here! {They manage to get away in the ship, just as it is hit by a piece of Quintessa} MIKE: I guess they didn't use Armor-All on their cruiser. RODIMUS PRIME : Scramble! SILVERBOLT : There's no time! {Kaboom!} TOM: Damn Aerialbots! Thought they'd be good at flyin'! Huff! SPRINGER : You figured a way out of this, or are we in big trouble? KUP : We're in big trouble. MIKE: Shall we panic, Kup? CROW: (Kup imitation) Yup, let's panic. RODIMUS PRIME : Relax, enjoy the ride. TOM: He's WAY too relaxed... {A/D; near the warpgate.} SCOURGE : And to make matters worse, the Autobots and the humans have build a space platform to act as a first line of defense for Earth. CROW: And it has cool lasers on it! Really! GALVATRON : A space platform for humans? Hmhmhahaha. This I must see. MIKE: Quick note: you can tell if it's Galvatron or not by whether or not he laughs in between sentences. CYCLONUS : Sweeps, this way! SWEEP 1 : I think that plasma bath fried Galvatron's circuits. ALL: Duh. SCOURGE : It's not your place to think. Where he leads, all Decepti- cons must follow. MIKE: Look, he's headed for that black hole! Go, Scourge, follow! GALVATRON : Through the warpgate. {D/A; The Autobots are hurtling through space, near Goo #8739b.} ULTRA MAGNUS : I've computed our trajectory. We're due to impact with an object two hundred thousand kilometers away. TOM: Wow. Really? SPRINGER : What kind of object? ULTRA MAGNUS : Not enough data. It could be either a ship or...a planet. CROW: Well, gee, that narrows it down. RODIMUS PRIME : Well, we'll either be saved or splattered. TOM: He's WAY too relaxed. {A/A; Earth solar system, near Juppiter} BLURR : And here we are. And where's here? Earth solar system, that's where here is. where here is. Anyway, you would think we have some scenery on the way, but no! All we saw was white on black. No novas, no comets, no red dwarfs, no white giants. CROW: AGGGGGH! They're back! Duck! Women and robots first! COMPUTER : Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! BLURR : Now what? Beepbeepbeepalertalertalert, that's what. Like I don't have enough frustration to my life without beepbeep- beepalertalertalert. MIKE: Why. don't. you. find. out. what. the. alert. is. for. moron? WHEELIE : Your words infective, and your ship defective. TOM: Oh god, it's the little punk. BLURR : First of all, it's not my ship, and second of all, the chan- ces of it being defective are one on three trillion six hun- dred and seventy-seven, and that's a fact. CROW: (Han Solo voice) Never tell me the odds! WHEELIE : And the chances that Galvatron still lives? BLURR : Less. Muchmuchmuchmuch less. WHEELIE : Hmhm, screen shows traces of vanished faces. MIKE: Blurr, I know it's hard, but listen to Wheelie-this is the only worthwhile thing he's ever said in his life. BLURR : Earth Defense Base, this is Autobot Blurr of Cybertron. We've got a malfunction here. We just put on the dullest trip of our lives, and now we hear beepbeepbeepalertalert- alert, like, who needs that noise? I mean... BASE COMMAND. : Slow down, pal, and listen clear. Our sensors showed some- thing coming throught the warp gate up beyond Pluto. If it's hostile, we can't guarantee your safety. Make a break for Earth and we'll do our best to cover you. CROW: Humans versus Decepticons. Riiiiiight. WHEELIE : Hmhmhm, humans are fools to trust their tools. TOM: Hey, that's page 67 of the Decepticon phrasebook! Wheelie's a spy! BLURR : Galvatron? Galvatron?? Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you say you saw Galva_ WHEELIE : Why do you fear; can the dead be here? {Galvatron shoots} Urh, can they? MIKE: Thankfully, yes. GALVATRON : Now, Sweeps, strike a blow for the honour of all Decepti- cons! {The Decepticons destroy theplatform} CROW: Look! It's the Sweep Capades! TR. SULLIVAN : {Using communicator} Trooper Sullivan to Earth Command: De- cepticon alert! Outpost One has been destroyed. TOM: Call the insurance agent! GALVATRON : Now for some sport. We seem to have missed something. An Autobot shuttle, no less. _I_want_it!_ MIKE: (singing) You can't....always get...what you waaaaaant... BLURR : Jupiter, Jupiter, Jupiter, Jupiter. Yes, that's it, that's it, Jupiter! Maybe we can lose them around Jupiter. WHEELIE : Whaat? CROW: He said Jupiter, you little misanthrope. BLURR : The planet Jupiter. The giant gas planet up ahead. You know, you know, you know. You know the one I mean, don't you, don't you? WHEELIE : Planet I know, but Decepticons follow. TOM: Whoa. What happened to Wheelie's voice? Now it's even more annoying. CROW: I can just see the execs. "Hey, kids are dumb. They won't notice one lousy change of voices!" BLURR : Tell me something I don't know. That's why we have to move fast fast fast, 'cos if we don't get away, we're doomed, and I don't know about you, but I don't wanna be doomed, espe- cially at the hands of Galvatron. He's one mean guy. You know what I mean, huh huh huh? ALL: Shut up! GALVATRON : After them, Sweeps! Bring me their heads as souvenirs! MIKE: You're sending the Sweeps to get them? Why don't you get someone more suited to the job, like, say, Bubbatron? {D/A; Autobot City.} BLASTER : Good morning, good morning. {Alert goes off} Ohoh, we got a warning. Bad morning, bad morning. Autobots, to your sta- tions, on the double. This is Blaster here at Metroplex, calling you stars on Mars. TOM: You know how I said Blaster was cool? CROW: Yeah? TOM: After that "stars on Mars" line, I change my mind. C. FAIRBORNE : Blaster, this is E.D.C. captain Clarissa Fairborne. I'm tracking an Autobot shuttle with several Decepticon fighters in pursuit. MIKE: Annoying human character! Duck! BLASTER : That's priority one with a bullet. Intercede with all due speed. C. FAIRBORNE : On my way! TOM: Toodle-oo. Don't come back! {D/A; between Jupiter and Io.} WHEELIE : Tin can about to crush, Wheelie's gonna have to dash! {Ejects with cog} BLURR : Wait, Wheelie! Ow, you never listen, do you? {Ejects} CROW: Good! One step closer to the annihilation of Blurr and Wheelie! GALVATRON : Now, Autobots, your journey ends. TOM: No such luck. They have their own toys. WHEELIE : I told you! BLURR : Fine. Now tell me: how are we supposed to get to Earth with- out a ship, and, how we're supposed to survive _that!_ {Points at storm on Jupiter} MIKE: Probably deus ex machina... CYCLONUS : Bravo, Galvatron; the Autobots' destruction is assured. GALVATRON : Assured is not enough. I told you I want their heads, Cyclo- nus. {Shoots Wheelie in leg} TOM: (Cyclonus voice) Scourge, take a note. Therapy for Galvatron next week. WHEELIE : Galvatron is strong, but Wheelie is mean. {Shoots Sweep in face} CROW: The hell, Wheelie is mean... SWEEP 2 : Aaahaaah. My guidance system is heated. Galvatron, save meeeeeeee. MIKE: Whine like a dog! GALVATRON : Please meet your end with dignity. I despise whiners! SWEEP 2 : Nooooooooo! TOM: Whatever his faults, Galvatron sure is bloodthirsty and ruthless! WHEELIE : Mean streak, Sweep creep. CROW: What the hell does that mean? GALVATRON : I think they underestimate my power. {Shoots into storm cone} MIKE: NOT a good idea... BLURR : The storm is imploding! | : Oh no oh no oh oh no. |BLURR : Nonononononononononono. |WHEELIE : Aaaw! MIKE: On the other hand, Blurr and Wheelie might die. SWEEP 3 : This is blowing out my audio sensors. SWEEP 4 : It's torture. CROW: *Starscream* coulda taken it! GALVATRON : Hmhmhmha. No! No! It's music. The symphony of destruction and the anthem of agony. MIKE: I've got it! Galvatron is really the Phantom of the Opera! CYCLONUS : The storm cone is going to erupt. ALL: Duh. {A/D; space.} QUINT. 2-1 : How pleasant the feeling to know the Autobots and their ma- trix of leadership have been destroyed. TOM: You wish... QUINT. 4-? : I could watch it over and over again. QUINT. 1-2 : It is a day so long in coming that I am uncertain how to ce- lebrate it. QUINT. 4-1 : Perhaps...a quiet chuckle! QUINT. 1-2 : Very well tehn. Let us...chuckle. |QUINT. 1 : Heheheheheh.e |QUINT. 2,3,4 : Haha. CROW: Man, these Quints sure do know how ta par-teeee! {A monitor flashes on, showing the surviving Autobots} QUINT. 1_1 : It cannot be true! They live? QUINT. 2-2 : They live, and come in accelerably toward Goo number eight seven three nine B. MIKE: So much for your quiet chuckle. QUINT. 1 : Then we have no choice. We must acquire the sheer might to wipe them out once and for all. CROW: Armies of Sharkticons! TOM: Lots more of those robotic octupuses! MIKE: GoBots! Lots and lots of real bitter GoBots! QUINT. 4-3 : But, there is only one way... QUINT. 1 : Precisely. However grave the risk, we must form an alli- ance...with the Decepticons. CROW: "Might" isn't the best word to associate with them right now. {D/A; Goo; the Autobots crash on Goo.} TOM: Goo, AKA Booger Central. SPRINGER : Uh. Uh. Hh. I've been on some weird planets, but never any- where like this. RODIMUS PRIME : This isn't a planet. I dunno what it is. S. WITWICKY : I used to stick stuff like this under my seat at schoool. MIKE: Spike! You crazy kid, you! KUP : Eh Eh Eh. CROW: If he coughs up some cyber-phlegm I'm leaving. J. DELIB.*3 : Death I can face, but to be robbed of my dignity, I_ TOM: *What* dignity? You're a third-rate villain. KUP : Well, it ain't an oil bath, but, all things considered, it could be worse. {Machine is appraching} ULTRA MAGNUS : What do you suppose that is? ALL: It's worse. RODIMUS PRIME : I don't think it's the welcome wagon. SILVERBOLT : I'll fly over and see. CROW: Oh no you won't. STICK around! TOM: That was low. MIKE: Even for us. CROW: Sorry... RODIMUS PRIME : Looks like you can move through this stuff, but not off it. ULTRA MAGNUS : Uoh. That could become a serious liability. TOM: I wonder if Ultra Magnus could actually *say* the word "gross." ARCEE : It's sweeping up the place like...some kind of janitorial system. SPRINGER : Yeah, and I bet it's gonna think we're trash. MIKE: Ahem. "Think?" You *are* trash. {A/D; between Juppiter and IO.} GALVATRON : Whuhuhahahahaha. CROW: Yeah, that's Galvie! BLURR : I can't control my transformations. WHEELIE : Neither can I. I feel like the humans doing sit-ups. ALL: DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! {A/D} CYCLONUS : Mighty Galvatron, where are the Autobots' heads? GALVATRON : {Hits him} What does it matter? Their destruction is assured. Take me to Char! MIKE: But I thought you *wanted* their heads! {D/A; Goo.} RODIMUS PRIME : This will be the first time I've ever fired on a garbage truck, but... Fire! CROW: Yes, and of course they land on the sole junkyard with an armorplated junktruck. SPRINGER : Maybe I can lift us out 'a here. {Tries to lift off} Urh. Oh. No go. TOM: Silverbolt already tried that, idiot. {The machine turns on a sensor beam} KUP : I don't like the look o'that. ULTRA MAGNUS : His movement is attracting the machine. SPRINGER : You never know...it might be tryin' to help me out of this goop. MIKE: WIth those brains, I wonder how you survived the movie. CROW: Hasbro! The power of Hasbro! RODIMUS PRIME : Let's get him out of its way! ARCEE : Springer, move out of its... {Springer is sucked up} A-a-ah! {Springer's parts are dropped} RODIMUS PRIME : Gross! Springer... ALL: YAY! Yeah! WHOOMP, THERE IT IS! YEAH! Whhoo-hoo! Yippee! (etc.) {Sensor beam is fixed on Rodimus Prime} ULTRA MAGNUS : Rodimus, it's coming for you! MIKE: Oh, this is too good to be true! {A/D; Char.} QUINT. 1-? : The Decepticons are hungry, and thus highly susceptible to persuasion. QUINT. 1 : {After exiting ship} Exercise caution. Feed them only enough to make them hungrier still. CROW: Someone's been reading _Mein Kampf_ again. Naughty Quints. Decepticons! We come in peace. QUINT. 4-? : We offer you...energon cubes. TOM: And they's got all da fixins! {The Decepticons, hidden} BLITZWING : They wanna make a deal with us. BREAKDOWN : One of us has to go out there. CROW: Here's a hint: send out the suicidal one! DEAD END : Hh, what does it matter if I meet my fate now, or when my circuits fail? {Goes out} TOM: Dead End really needs his mommy. Please, make my death painless. MIKE: Odd as it may seem, we'd let you live. Which would probably piss you off more. QUINT. 2-1 : We have not come to kill you. We have come to offer you a proposition. DEAD END : Swindle, I-I think this is your department. TOM: Riiiight. Ask the con man for advice so that the Quints can hear you. Maybe we'll kill you after all. SWINDLE : First see if we can trust them. Taste one of the energon cubes. DEAD END : {Does as he's told} Mmm, ah mm. [Decepticons rush to eat] : Aw, let me at it. CROW: Poor old Dead End. He never gets a fair shake. QUINT. 1 : Very soon, they will be ours again. ALL: Huh? {D/A; Goo.} ARCEE : Rodimus, run! ALL: No! Stay put! KUP : Forget everything I ever told you about heroism, run! CROW: Shut up, you old fart! {Rodimus lets himself be lift up, takes some goo, throws it into the ma- chine, and it stops.} ULTRA MAGNUS : He stopped it! ALL: DAMNDAMNDAMNBUGGERHELL! KUP : I've seen a lot o' brave Autobots do a lot o' brave things in my time, but nuthin' like that. MIKE: That's cause that's some good old bad writing. RODIMUS PRIME : Yeah, me neither, and I hope I never have to again. TOM: Damn. He won't do it again-and we'd rigged the second one... J. DELIBERATA : This is impossible! You were never programmed for self- sacrifice. RODIMUS PRIME : How would you know? And, more importantly, how're we gonna get out o' this mess? CROW: Well, it's like Jello. You hafta EAT yer way out! Yum yum! {A/D; Char} [The Decepticons are still eating] QUINT. 1-3 : Are you ready to hear our proposition? QUINT. 4-? : We would be willing to keep you in energon forever. MOTORMASTER : Sounds to good to be true, hugh. [hickups] SWINDLE : That means it probably is. Mm, what do we do for you? MIKE: "We want your soul!" TOM: "Kill the six-fingered man who killed our father!" CROW: "Look at our fine assortment of watches!" QUINT. 4-3 : Take care of a nuisance... QUINT. 1-3 : ...destroy the Autobots. MIKE: (Dead End voice) Well, it looks like we get to die anyway! ||SWINDLE : C'mon, you gotta be kidding. ||MOTORMASTER : We do that anyway! | [Decepticons are shouting] ONSLAUGHT : Look, how do we attack them on Cybertron? Their defenses are many times stronger than we are, no matter how much energon you give us. CROW: "But knowing is half the battle!" [Decepticons are shouting in consent] QUINT. 2-2 : We are not proposing an attack on Cybertron. | : Yeah, you bet! |MOTORMASTER : Bad idea. |[Decpticons] TOM: And welcome back to Theatre of the Obvious! QUINT. 4-4 : If we act quickly, we can strike when they least expect it. BLITZWING : Er, they lie! They want something more. We've...met before, haven't we? I know you, or creatures like you. Mm, if only I could remember... MIKE: Yeah, amnesia's a bitch, innit? DEAD END : Look, what have we got to lose? Futility surrounds us here. [Decepticons shout in consent] MOTORMASTER : I say we vote. Who votes to go along? [Almost all Decepticons shout "Yay", and such, except one:] CROW: Just out of curiosity, whatever happened to "aye"? MOTORMASTER : Who votes nay? BLITZWING : Nay. TOM: Sucks to be you, pal. MOTORMASTER : The 'Yays' have it! QUINT. 1-1 : Then we have not a moment to spare. Board our ship. QUINT. 4-1 : I told you, there was virtually no probability of their re- jecting our offer. Their programs are not nearly so tainted as the Autobots'. {They leave} MIKE: Awww, but Blitzwing's all alone now! {D/D; Char (again).} GALVATRON : This is the planet my Decepticons now inhabit? CYCLONUS : As I warn you, we have fallen upon hard times. CROW: No, this isn't hard times. This is the shits. GALVATRON : Soon I shall raise the Decepticons quite literally from their own ashes. CYCLONUS : The day cannot arive too soon. TOM: Can we start doing the "Cyclonus is a weasel" bit again? MIKE: No. GALVATRON : Well, where are they? CYCLONUS : You, er, pose an interesting question, my lord. TOM: Cyclonus... MIKE: Don't say it! {Blitzwing sees Galvatron in the sky.} BLITZWING : Galvatron! GALVATRON : Blitzwing, my comrade. CROW: Well, at least Galvatron didn't beat the crap out of him. BLITZWING : I...thought the tales of your survival were but wishful thinking. GALVATRON : No, I live. Where are the rest? BLITZWING : Gone to battle the Autobots. TOM: Wroooong answer there, Blitzy buddy. GALVATRON : Without me? Who leads them? BLITZWING : Ancient creatures known as, as, er, er,... MIKE: Hey, they never *did* give their name, did they? GALVATRON : Who cares? I am the leader of the Decepticons, I and no other. Cyclonus, Sweeps, Blitzwing, we shall slay the usur- pers, reunite the Decepticons, and raise our empire once more. Attack! TOM: Attack *what*? {D/A; Mars and Earth.} C. FAIRBORNE : Fairborne to Metroplex; do you copy, Blaster? ALL: AGGGGGH! Cheesy human character! Get her away! (etc.) BLASTER : Rochet wake ya, clear channel. Lay some video on, and gimme what you got. C. FAIRBORNE : Several metallic objects were whirled from the storm on Jup- piter toward the Jovian moon Io. TOM: They could be shards of metal for all you know... BLASTER : Any chance of survivors? C. FAIRBORNE : I don't want to guess...I want to know! Setting course for Io. MIKE: Ooooookay. {Io.} WHEELIE : Wheelie okay; Blurr, what do you say. BLURR : I think I'm okay too, but exactly what does okay mean when you're stranded on an alien world? CROW: It means you're still alive. Which is a pity. [Monsters are growling] WHEELIE : Stranded we are, from home we are far. BLURR : So what are you gonna do, so what am I gonna do, so what are we gonna do, huh, huh, huh; what can we do, what, what, what? MIKE: You know, slow Blurr down and he talks a lot like Beavis and Butthead? TOM: Impossible. The word "dillweed" hasn't been used yet. WHEELIE : Don't be a fool, keep your cool. We wait here and hope for the best, and if it gets dark, we'll make us a nest. CROW: Welcome to Strained Rhyming 101, with professor Wheelie. [Monsters are growling] {A/A; Goo.} ULTRA MAGNUS : I think we can shut off the goo in there. RODIMUS PRIME : Shut it off? KUP : Uh. Uh. Yeah, I know what he means: if we turn off the force field that keeps it warm and gooey, it'll get brittle, and we could smash our way out. TOM: Except for Spike. CROW: Maybe they'll just squish him. MIKE: Dare to dream. RODIMUS PRIME : What was that? KUP : We're being fired on. MIKE: You know, that last statement was so obvious I woulda thought Ultra Magnus would've made it. QUINT. 2-? : Mark this moment well, for when the Decepticons eliminate the Autobots, they take the first step toward their own destruction as well... TOM: Except Starscream! CROW: We're over the hump! Only two more to go!