Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers From: cbird@chat.carleton.ca (Christopher Bird) Subject: MSTified: 5FOF! (part 2) transcribed by Boris Ammerlaan (bammerla@cs.ruu.nl) CROW: NO! Please! I can't take any more! TOM: (torturer voice) HAHAHAHA! There's FOUR MORE EPISODES! HAHAHA! RODIMUS PRIME : I think we're outnumbered. MIKE: *Optimus* never would have said something that glaringly obvious! GRIMLOCK : Ugh, me Grimlock like big fight. RODIMUS PRIME : Good! 'Cause you Grimlock have got one. MIKE: *Optimus*... TOM: Oh, stop it. {They get hit by a blast} GRIMLOCK : Uh, uh. Me Grimlock no hurt. CROW: You Grimlock no smart, either. RODIMUS PRIME : Me neither. And you gotta wonder why. MIKE: Gee, maybe it's because they're dying, and you just saw them give away energy and collapse on the ground? VORTEX : It just don't pack the punch it used to. SWINDLE : Yeah, because we're out of energy, dummy. TOM: Ahhhh, exposition again. CYCLONUS : Decepticons, attack! GRIMLOCK : Me Grimlock like shooting when can't miss. CROW: (Dead End impersonation) Yes! Yes! Shoot us! End our misery! MIKE: You know, it doesn't seem to be working very well. TOM: Don't tell me the Autobots are running low on energon, too... RODIMUS PRIME : They can't blast us, so they're gonna stomp us en masse. Cowards! MIKE: No, it's called "being smart." GRIMLOCK : Mm, crunchy. One... two, unh.. TOM: Go Grimlock go! SOUNDWAVE : Alien object approaching. DRAG STRIP : Uh? BLAST OFF : I'm out of here. MIKE: Yes, run like dogs! GRIMLOCK : {Shielding eyes from rockaroid's engines' light} Waah! CROW: Awwww, is poww wittle Gwimlock hurt? SPRINGER : I told you it would stop on a proton. ARCEE : Yeah, and that was the first thing you've told me that was right. TOM: Other than "Don't worry, baby, I'll pull out in time, honest." ONSLAUGHT : Most unusual behaviour for a meteor. ALL: Duh. SPRINGER : {Picking up Rodimus Prime & Grimlock with metal claws} Let's get outta here before the natives are on to us. TOM: Springer, the bot with a plan! MIKE: Springer, he's got things in hand! CROW: Or claw, as the case may be. CYCLONUS : Those miserable Skuckazoids. MIKE: (Norm voice) "Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts." SCOURGE : They can't be working with the Autobots. TOM: Why not? It's a new golden age! SWINDLE : Eh, they'd sell out to anybody for the right price. CYCLONUS : If anyone would *know*, Swindle.. {Shoots at Rodimus Prime} CROW: Gee, one lousy stint on the Home Shopping Network and they never let you forget it, huh, Swindle? GRIMLOCK : Rodimus, me Grimlock demand you wake up. MIKE: God, he *is* a moron. TOM: What's more, he sounds really pathetic when he's begging. CYCLONUS : Your contributions of energon will not be in vain, brothers. Never again shall we be humiliated by the Autobots, for when we return, Galvatron shall be with us! CROW: Oh boy! A psychotic! Just what the Decepticons needed to get back on their feet! {D/A; Quintessa.} QUINT. 1-1 : You are the Autobot called Kup. You are Cybertron's chief of security. TOM: Manners, evil Quintesson. That should be "Are you Kup, chief of Cybertonian security?" KUP : Nah, my name's Teaspoon, and I'm Cybertron's chief dishwash- er. CROW: And you. Shouldn't you be telling them the truth? That you're a cheaper replacement for Ironhide? QUINT. 2-2 : Zero percent probability of truth. Identification positive. QUINT. 1 : Tell us the status of Cybertronian defense apparatus. MIKE: These guys really need a crash course in "emotionless fear". Send over that nutso Vulcan from Star Trek. KUP : Total shambles after the last war; three kids and a dog could take the planet. TOM: But those kids would need slingshots, at least. MIKE: Crappy Dennis the Menace slingshots or crappy Wheelie slingshots? QUINT. 2 : Four percent probability of truth. Defenses at optimum le- vels. Direct assault not viable. QUINT. 1 : Are there any known weaknesses in yoor defense system? KUP : Hey, you guys seem to know all the answers. Why ask me? CROW: Why not? MIKE: Why ask why? TOM: Bud Dry! CROW: It's it and that's that! QUINT. 2 : The answer he suppresses is that Cybertron is not vulnerable to conventional attack. However, he is concerned with the security of planet Earth. MIKE: These are really boring bad guys. I just thought I'd say that. S. WITWICKY : For a bunch of funky aliens, these guys sure know a lot about Cybertron and Transformers...a whole lot. TOM: I liked you better when you were a snotnosed punk. ULTRA MAGNUS : It's as if they could read our minds. CROW: Oh god, it's the moron again? MIKE: Springer? Where? S. WITWICKY : Yours, maybe. They don't seem so eager to question me. ULTRA MAGNUS : Yes, curious, isn't it? TOM: *That's* all you can say? "Curious, isn't it?" They have you in a GODDAMN JAIL CELL and you sound like a scientist looking at a new germ? Are you REALLY that stupid? QUINT. 2 : Silence! QUINT. 2-3 : The sensors have a lack of knowledge of his species. QUINT. 3-4 : Indeed. Such intuitive powers could present a serious impe- diment to our operation. QUINT. 2 : I agree. We must see how he stands up to interrogation. QUINT. 2_2 : {Faced to Quintesson 3} And then, how he faces...death! CROW: They aren't exactly very good at sounding threatening. {D/A; Rodimus Prime & Grimlock are carefully put down on an asteroid.} GRIMLOCK : Uhuh. Rodimus, me Grimlock say you wake up. MIKE: Grimlock obviously doesn't possess a medical degree. {Springer & Arcee exit landed rockaroid} SPRINGER : Is it bad? ARCEE : I'm no doctor, but it doesn't look good. SPRINGER : Is he gonna make it? ARCEE : I'm no psychic either. ALL: "Dammit Jim..." RODIMUS PRIME : My time..in the light..is short... ARCEE : That's what Optimus Prime said when he was dying. MIKE: Except it sounded cooler. RODIMUS PRIME : Springer, my friend... ARCEE : He's preparing to pass the matrix of leadership to you! SPRINGER : His judgement is obviously impaired. Forget it, Rodimus, you're just gonna have to stay alive. CROW: Oh god. He's offering you one of the coolest things you can get if you're a Transformer, and you're refusing it. How stupid are you, anyway? RODIMUS PRIME : You must...aaarh... GRIMLOCK : [crying] ARCEE : His lifeforce has slipped away. ALL: "He's dead, Jim." ARCEE : Nothing; no life force at all. GRIMLOCK : Noooo. SPRINGER : It's true, Grimlock. He's gone. We'll take the body back to Cybertron for interment. MIKE: (Monty Python gumby voice) "So, we can bury him, burn him, or dump him." GRIMLOCK : Me Grimlock say he alive. No matrix of leadership! TOM: When Grimlock notices something everyone else missed, you know you're in trouble. SPRINGER : He's right. If Rodimus were dead, the matrix would have emerged. ARCEE : But if he's not dead...where is his life force? ALL: OooooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooohhhhhhh... {Insane sound, Rodimus is inside the matrix} CROW: Wow...man....the colors, man, the colors... RODIMUS PRIME : Ah..the Quintessons. Huh..uh. GRIMLOCK : Haha! He alive. Me Grimlock love Arcee. ARCEE : I-I didn't save him. He came out of it himself. SPRINGER : We thought we'd lost ya. RODIMUS PRIME : No. I was..I was inside the matrix. I know now who kid- naped the others. MIKE: He was delirious, and he thinks he knows who kidnapped the others? TOM: I'd want a leader who was a bit more stable. CROW: Like Khaddafi. GRIMLOCK : They hidden inside you? TOM: Yeah, Grimlock. Go look for them. Use your claws. RODIMUS PRIME : Heh. No, you bozology. Remember when we were shot down over the planet Quintessa? We were tried and sentenced to die. GRIMLOCK : Mm, me Grimlock rescue you. CROW: And did the stupidest thing any Dinobot has ever done. ARCEE : You must be kidding. RODIMUS PRIME : No, it's true, he did. But we never knew what our crimes were, that was the strange thing. But there isn't time to talk now. Let's get to Quintessa. SPRINGER : Sorry, Rodimus, you're not going anywhere but to Cybertron to recover. RODIMUS PRIME : Quintessa, that's an order. TOM: Yessir, Mr. Rodimus sir. CROW: Somehow, I fail to have any respect for the red loser. {A/A; Quintessa} ULTRA MAGNUS : Where are you taking us? J. DELIB.-5 : To your judgement. MIKE: ETERNAL judegment! HAHAHA! KUP : Right. We're gonna get a fair trial and then they're gonna kill us. TOM: Say what you will about Kup, he certainly is perceptive. CROW: I thought that was the microscope? S. WITWICKY : Makes you wish for the good old days, doesn't it? You know, before the...fighting broke out. Bears vs. the Lunar Colo- ny. There was fourth quarter, force down, thirty yards to go. You remember that play? MIKE: Spike, wannabe football analyst or lousy trickster? ULTRA MAGNUS : No... CROW: Oh god, the moron didn't even get it. S. WITWICKY : How about you, Kup? KUP : No, but in a jam like that all you can do is...rush 'em and pray! TOM: You know, it's awful lucky for them that Kup got kidnapped. Can you imagine Spike trying to plan with Ultra Magnus alone? "So, Ultra, have you ever shot at Sharkticons and Quintessons before while trying to escape?" "Um, no..." {They break free and capture their Quintesson escort, and Spike even gets a gun; they end up on the ledge above the pit.} S. WITWICKY : All right, Quintessons, you have a choice: release us, or I turn your buddy here into blewie juice. CROW: "Blewie juice?" QUINT. 1-3 : We sentence judge Deliberata...to death. S. WITWICKY : Tell me your name isn't Deliberata. MIKE: "My name isn't Deliberata." TOM: Actually, it's...oh, I don't know. ALL: THIRD BASE! J. DELIB.-5 : I praise your decision. Open the pit. KUP : Why, of all the piston-blowin', can-jammin', crank-bustin'.. TOM: Odd. All the veterans I ever knew were *good* at swearing. SHARKTICONS : [growling] KUP : Why do I feel like I've seen this before? CROW: Because you have. The movie. Remember? MIKE: Give him a break. He's old. SPIKE : Same reason my life is flashing before my eyes. {A panel opens, revealing Quintessons} | QUINT. 1_1 : Bear us no mind. We just...like to watch. | [Sharkticons | growling] MIKE: Oh, the drama. {A/D; Throb.} SCOURGE : He's over there. CYCLONUS : Scourge, show them the stuff of leadership and remove Galva- tron from the ooze. Hm, better you than I. ALL: Cy-clonus is a chick-en... GALVATRON : Who disturbs my plasma bath? MIKE: (Scourge voice) Him! The one with the stupid helmet! CYCLONUS : Mighty Galvatron, we have come to deliver you from... GALVATRON : My empire of ash? {Hits Cyclonus} CROW: Ouch. My bastion of brimstone? Rih! {Hits Cyclonus} TOM: Oooh. My kingdom of desolation? Nah! {Hits Cyclonus into ooze} MIKE: That had to hurt. Did I ask you for deliverance? Nah! Did I? {Kicks Cyclonus into ooze} TOM: Well, it's nutso Galvatron with a knockout. And he KILLED THE JUDGES! Oh MY! Hahahahahahahaha, hahahahahahahahaha. MIKE: Good to see that he's regained his wonderful conversational abilities. Oh, Cyclonus, how wonderful to see you again. Decepticons, your leader has returned. Long live the empire. CROW: (Darth Vader voice) You cannot comprehend the power of the Dark Side. Long live -hahahahaha- Galvatron! Hahahahaha. TOM: "Mad? Mad? What makes you think I'm hahahahahahahahahahahahaha mad?" SWEEPS : {Look at each other} MIKE: (Scourge voice) I'm not gonna say it, you say it. Long Live Galvatron. {Somewhere near Quintessa.} RODIMUS PRIME : Let's see... Kup and I were shot down right over there... therefore it's gotta be that planet over there. ARCEE : I'll radio the coordinates to our assault force. CROW: Don't tell me they did something vaguely intelligent for once and brought a lot of good guys. SHARKTICONS : [growl] S. WITWICKY : Wait, there's still something I don't get. QUINT. 1-1 : Which is? TOM: "How the hell did I get a babe like Carlie?" CROW: "Whatever happened to Sparkplug?" MIKE: "Will my son be as big a loser as I am?" S. WITWICKY : What crime {[Sharkticons growling]} did we commit? QUINT. 1 : They are Autobots, you are guilty by association. CROW: You know, I just noticed that they aren't being declared "innocent" like they did in the movie. TOM: Of course not. That would be cool. S. WITWICKY : What crime did the Autobots commit? QUINT. 1-5 : Theft. ULTRA MAGNUS : You're confusing us with Decepticons. MIKE: You're cars, they're planes. Nope, I think they know the difference. QUINT. 1 : Do you not occupy Cybertron? S. WITWICKY : Huh? KUP : Eh, if you haven't out these guys are crazy, you're slower on the uptake than I thought. CROW: When the characters comment on how bad the story is, you know you're in trouble. QUINTESSONS : Sharkticons, carry out the executions. TOM: But they're fat and stupid! QUINT. 1-1 : As we predicted, the Autobots have sent help. QUINT. 2-2 : My readings indicate their leader is aboard the ship. MIKE: Oh, calling Rodimus a leader is stretching things *just* a tad, isn't it? QUINT. 3-4 : It is fortunate he is so foolhardy. Let us hope his foolhardiness is not in fact...courage. CROW: How would you know? You're really lame bad guys. QUINT. 2 : He carries the leadership matrix. If we could destroy it... QUINT. 1-3 : ...the entire Autobot population would plunge into despair and chaos. MIKE: And the evidence for this is....? S. WITWICKY : Is it my imagination, or have they lost interest in us? ULTRA MAGNUS : An asteroid? CROW: (slowly) Yes, Ultra, the big rock thingies. KUP : Yeah, so? I've seen thousands of 'em. ULTRA MAGNUS : About to land on your head? KUP : I gotta admit: that's new. MIKE: And Ultra Magnus gets the good line? Wow. Where are the other horsemen of the Apocolypse? SHARKTICONS : [fleeing] QUINT. 1_2 : Perhaps we should seek some cover. No, that would be cowardly. TOM: Not to mention intelligent. QUINT. 1-1 : Place your faith in our defense systems. Q. GUARD : Fire! {boom} QUINT. 1_2 : The Autobots threaten us...no more. ALL: Yeah, right. {A/D; Throb.} GALVATRON : These baths have made me more powerful than ever. But where am I to find the mighty legions who will follow me? CROW: They're on Char doing, you know, dying and stuff. CYCLONUS : The Sweeps and I shall serve as your elite guard. Uh, and the other Decepticons shall make excellent gun fodder. MIKE: Say what you will, Cyclonus definitely is a weasel. GALVATRON : Hmhnhmhahahaha. Elite guards, heh, you? Hahahahahahahaha. TOM: Is it possible that Galvatron can say a single sentence without laughing maniacally? {Makes point by singlehandedly defeating all present Decep- ticons.} SCOURGE : Mighty Galvatron, I have learned your lesson. I now know not only that you are the leader, but also why. CROW: Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. GALVATRON : Huhuhuho, such insight is rare. Watch out for this one, Cy- clonus, one day he might tahe your place. MIKE: Yeah, as Chief Weasel. TOM: We've run that bit into the ground, I think. Come, Decepticons, we have an empire to regain! TOM: And it starts with the bunghole of the galaxy! {D/A; Quintessa.} QUINT. 1-? : What is that? QUINT. 2-2 : Eighty-six percent probability: the rescue expedition. CROW: Kinda makes you wonder what the other chances are. (Quint voice) "Nine percent probability: the pizza we ordered." MIKE: (Quint voice) "Four percent probability: the Avon Lady." TOM: (Quint voice) "Three percent probability: GoBots." SPRINGER : Everybody, ready! ARCEE : Looks like the old empty-rockaroid-trick fooled 'em all right. MIKE: Oh, I'd tend to doubt that. They're omnipotent bad guys, remember? QUINT. 1-1 : Excellent. Our estimate of their arrival time was accurate to the implusso minus five minutes. TOM: Wait, you thought they were dead! QUINT. 2 : Yes. Now we must escape. CROW: So hiding is cowardly, but running isn't? RODIMUS PRIME : Grimlock, jump! GRIMLOCK : Geronimo! {Misses Quintessons} Mmow. MIKE: Why didn't you just shoot them, huh? KUP : Keep 'em fightin'; we could win this thing yet. ULTRA MAGNUS : Hrh. Possibly, but I wouldn't wish to wager on it. Hurh. TOM: God, someone "accidentally" shoot him? Please? SHARKTICONS : [growl] RODIMUS PRIME : {On Springer} Grab on! ULTRA MAGNUS : Let's get to the ship. SPRINGER : Great idea, but there's a problem. ARCEE : We don't have a ship. CROW: "Great Moments in Autobot Planning", volume twelve, "the Springer Years." SPRINGER : But it's okay, we got backups coming. Springer to Autobot fleet. MIKE: Hey, they did something smart and brought a crapload of Autobots! {Incoming ship blasts Quintesson installation} SLING SHOT : Nice shooting, Silverbolt. SKY DIVE : We're about to enter the atmospere. Prepare for rescue ope- ration. FIREFLIGHT : They have a massive proton cannon targeted on us. SILVERBOLT : Air Raid, you and Skydive take out the cannon. Fireflight, spot Rodimus and the others. Sling Shot, get in there and pull our guys out. TOM: Okay, so they didn't bring a lot of Autobots. But they brought five! MIKE: Okay, so it's a massive letdown. {Quintessons escape in ship} QUINT. ?-? : They believe they have won. QUINT. 2 : A pity we shall not witness the horror on their faces _as_ _they_die_. QUINT. 2-3 : Activate the core bomb and move us out of range. QUINT. 2_1 : I shall miss Quintessa, but the destruction of the matrix is worth even this. CROW: You know, that whole "cold merciless" bit isn't really projecting. RODIMUS PRIME : Autobots, let's get out'a here! MIKE: Great leader-type wisdom there. {Quintessa explodes.} TOM: Is that it? MIKE: Is Rodimus dead? CROW: Is Springer dead? TOM: Is Ultra Magnus dead? Please? (GYPSY enters) GYPSY: Sorry, three more episodes to go. (TOM and CROW starting thudding their heada against hard surfaces.)