Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers From: cbird@chat.carleton.ca (Christopher Bird) Subject: MSTified: 5FOF! (part 1) (Just so you all know, I love Transformers, and I love 5FOF. This is meant to be in fun.) EXTERIOR: The Satellite of Love. INTERIOR: Tom Servo and Crow, playing with Voltron and the Combaticons. CROW: Form Blazing Sword! TOM: That'll never work! Form BRUTICUS! CROW: Voltron CUTS Bruticus in HALF! TOM: Does not! (MIKE walks in) MIKE: Hey, guys, we're going to recieve a transmission from the Mads. (TOM and CROW look unimpressed. Change to shot of TV SCREEN, with THE DOC and TV'S FRANK on. TV'S FRANK is playing with a GoBot.) THE DOC: Hello, Mike. (to FRANK) Put that thing down! (to MIKE) Well, we've got a doozy for you today! TOM: Does it have Transformers in it? CROW: No! Voltron! TOM: Transformers! CROW: Voltron! TOM: TRANSFORMERS! CROW: VOLTRON! MIKE: Shut up... THE DOC: Actually, Tom, it does. TOM: You mean (angelic chorus in background) we get to watch (AHHHHHHHH-AHHH-AHHHH-AHHHH-AHHHHH!) THE MOVIE? THE DOC: Well, not quite. We're sending you the first bit *after* the movie. "Five Faces of Darkness." (TOM cringes.) TOM: Do we *HAVE* to... THE DOC: Don't say it... TOM: Sorry. FRANK: Leader-1! Watch out, Leader-1! Cy-Kill is on your tail! VROOM! THE DOC: Damn. Time for his sedative again. I had hoped that we could retool these GoBots into miniature robotic soldiers, but I have had (to FRANK) PUT THAT DOWN, FRANK! (back) absolutely no luck... MIKE: Better luck next time, sir. THE DOC: Right. Off you go, then. (5-4-3-2-1, etc. etc. etc.) CROW: Why couldn't we watch Voltron instead? MIKE: Little-ships or lions? CROW: Lions, obviously. The little ships sucked. MIKE: Hey! I liked them!

Five Faces of Darkness, Episode 1

transcribed by Boris Ammerlaan (bammerla@cs.ruu.nl)

CROW: Oh god, don't tell me there's more than one part to this. TOM: Yeah, actually. MIKE: As a matter of fact, there's five. CROW: Oh, God. (c) Marvel & Sunbow This is a "complete" dialogue transcript for research purposes and is not for sale under any circumstances. Format (c) 1994 by Boris Ammerlaan. Version 1.0. Last modified 1994/01/21 CROW: Do we really have to go through the legal bit? TOM: You never know. The GoBots might use this to their advantage if it weren't present. Send remarks, suggestions and improvements to bammerla@cs.ruu.nl By Flint Dille CROW: Okay, I got his name. He gets a core dump of pi tomorrow. With (in order of voice appearance): Narrator - Victor Caroli ? - ? ? - ? Bonecrusher - ? ? - ? ? - ? Astrotrain - ? Menasor - ? Devastator - ? Kickback - ? Cyclonus - Roger Carmel Sweeps - ? Announcer - ? Ultra Magnus - ? Warpath - ? Rodimus Prime - Dick Gautier (?) Bumblebee - ? Blurr - John Moschitta Perceptor - Paul Eiding Wheelie - Frank Welker Springer - ? Unidentified person 1 - ? Unidentified person 2 - ? Arcee - Susan Blu Spike Witwicky - Corey Burton Carley Witwicky - ? Kup - ? Sharkticon 1 - ? Sound - ? Scourge - ? Abdul Farcadi - ? Blaster - ? Farcadi's servants - ? Outback - ? Ramjet - ? Dirge - ? Grimlock - Gregg Burger Skuckzoid - ? Unidentified person 3 - ? ? - ? Onslaught - ? Motormaster - ? Wildrider - ? Dead End - ? Breakdown - ? MIKE: (Hick voice) You know, that thar's a lot of nobodies. {The final moments of Unicron are shown. After that a line-up of Autobots.} CROW: This looks like the movie! Do we get to watch the movie instead? Oh, happy day! TOM: It's a prelude. CROW: Damn... NARRATOR : It is the year 2005. The great wars are finally over and the Autobots have won. But while the Autobots celebrate their victory with their new leader, Rodimus Prime, the surviving Decepticons, without a leader of their own, and desperately low on energon, have retreated to the burned-out planet of Char. {Scene changes to showing a desolated planet.} MIKE: My oh my. What an unpleasant place. TOM: It's called CHAR. What were you expecting, Club Med? {Astrotrain hits the top of a mountain.} CROW: (announcer voice) These Decepticons had the opportunity to use Federal Express, but passed it up in favor of a cheaper local service. Don't make the mistake they did. Use Federal Express for your energon needs. : Look! It's Astrotrain. : I hope he brought back some energon. : We certainly could use the energy. TOM: (Soundwave voice) Ever since Galvatron died, we make such expository and obvious statements. BONECRUSHER : The one on the left is mine! {Scavenger pulls him backwards} Agh. : {Takes the cube from Scavenger} Give it to me! MIKE: And these are the TEAMS, folks... {The Constructicons fight amongst themselves; Astrotrain is reaching for the cube.} TOM: (cuddly voice) Awwww, did poor wittle Astwotwain wun out of energon? Diddums need some mowe? BONECRUSHER : We can't let Astrotrain get the energon! {They merge to form Devastator.) MIKE: Note that they're not going to give any energy to their SOLE SOURCE of energy. Man, no wonder they're on Char. : Don't...have the energy to hold on. ASTROTRAIN : Aarh. MENASOR : Ooah Thoo Haiah! {Disassembles Devastator} DEVASTATOR : Nah! Resist me and be...destroyed! TOM: Today on Decepticon Philosophy, we examine the meaning of life. Menasor? Your thoughts? MENASOR : Aah! Ooh Hooh Hauigh! TOM: Interesting. Kickback? What is the Insecticon stance on this? KICKBACK : Hoogh Haawah. TOM: Fascinating. Truly. Well, that's all the time we have now. CYCLONUS : Long, Sweeps. And beware of treachery. Once, Decepticons nearly held the quadrant through terror. Now, we scrap like Slargs over a few energon cubes. Is this how you honour the memory of Galvatron? Is this the fate of the mighty Decepticon empire? CROW: Yeah! We're losers! MIKE: Hey, don't knock the Decepticons. They coulda been contendas! ASTROTRAIN : In the days of Megatron it was not like this. CYCLONUS : You mean Galvatron! CROW: Cyclonus: nitpicker or just plain stupid? SWEEPS : Hail Galvatron! Hail Galvatron! Hail Galvatron! MIKE: Kinda makes you wonder if the Sweeps sing "Galvatron uber Alles." ASTROTRAIN : Well, they were the same guy. CYCLONUS : Mm, we must take desperate measures. TOM: And desperate measures call for desperate actions! CROW: And desperate actions call for desperate times! MIKE: Wait, I thought desperate times called for desperate actions? {D/A; planet of the Games is shown. After that, parades.} CROW: Hmmm. Not very desperate. [cheering] ANNOUNCER : Representing the nova system of the Arcadroids. They are heavily favored in the downhill events. TOM: They're BALLS, for crissake! ULTRA MAGNUS : Fellow Olympians. May today's games occheread a new age of peace and cooperation in the galaxy. And, in the spirit of the games, let me introduce the hero of the Cybertronian Wars, the leader of the Autobots, the bearer of the matrix... TOM: Look! It's Optimus Prime 2! CROW: You didn't say the two like it was a Roman numeral. Optimus deserves that much. TOM: But Ultra Magnus doesn't. MIKE: Very true. {Warpath and Bumblebee are sitting in front of a television in Autobot City} MIKE: Niiiiiice setup. WARPATH : Oh, phow hoom. TOM: Naturally, Warpath is perhaps the most observant and subtle of Autobots. {The Games again.} ULTRA MAGNUS : And now, to officially open these first Galactic Olympics: Rodimus Prime! CROW: Who? TOM: He used to be Hot Rod. CROW: Rodimus sounds *really* stupid. It doesn't even mean anything. RODIMUS PRIME : Let's do it! CROW: And apparently, Rodimus is a man of few words. TOM: He's not Optimus, though. MIKE: Nahhh. You can't replace Optimus. ULTRA MAGNUS : Didn't you want to say something about concorde, and tran- quillity, and the galaxy? RODIMUS PRIME : Ah, gimme a break. Start the games! MIKE: (Ultra Magnus impersonation) Arcee, take a note...public speaking lessons for Rodimus next week, okay? [cheering] {Warpath and Bumblebee.} WARPATH : Zowie! We do have an unusual leader, don't we, Boiing? CROW: "Zowie?" TOM: He always talks like that. CROW: "Zowie?" MIKE: Relax, Crow. Deep breaths. BUMBLEBEE : Yo, Rodimus! Hey, I thought Blurr was supposed to be on this one. WARPATH : No, they got some kinda zoom-zang mission for him. TOM: Please, say that that means we don't have to see him. Please. {Cybertron. Perceptor, Blurr and Wheelie.} BLURR : So I'm here and I wanna be there. So where does that get me? Nowhere, and nowhere isn't where I wanna be when I wanna be there. So do what am I doing here, when here is nowhere, and nowhere isn't where I wanna be, I wanna be there? MIKE: Yo, Blurr...Caffeine is NOT your pal, okay? PERCEPTOR : Blurr, I'm sending you and Wheelie on the most important mission of your lives. CROW: He's sending the two most annoying Autobots together? TOM: The mission: go to Char and annoy the Decepticons! Trust us, it's important! WHEELIE : Microscope make small problem big to make big problem small. MIKE: Somebody kill him. PERCEPTOR : You're absolutely wrong, Wheelie. The fate of Autobot City rests in your hands. This is the City's transformation cog. The original was destroyed in the great battle with the De- cepticons. It controls Metroplex' ability to transform. Un- till it is installed, the City is extremely vulnerable. TOM: Ahhhh, exposition. Nothin' like it. BLURR : Well then, why not send it galactic express? PERCEPTOR : And take a chance of our enemies learning what we are sen- ding? I think not. CROW: Your "enemies" are dying on a hunk of rock. Priorities, Perceptor! {Noises of a Transformer winning the game.} WHEELIE : nal fun, you should have won! BLURR : Don't get me started, because if you do, I'm not gonna stop, and if I don't stop, you're gonna wish you never got me started in the first place. TOM: Too late. We already want you dead. {The Games.} ANNOUNCER : And the winner was Manka Spenka, from the Arganon cluster. SPRINGER : Hey, let's hear it for Arganon. Atta boy, yeah. RODIMUS PRIME : Way to go, Arga! Way to go. CROW: Does "manka spenka" translate into some neat swear-word in another language? Hmmm? {Some unidentified persons on an unidentified location.} UNIDENTIFIED : Autobots, you walk a thin line between glory and despair. PERSON <1> Soon, you shall cross it... UNIDENTIFIED : Yes, we must learn what makes these humans live, and what PERSON <2> makes them..perish. TOM: (George voice) Lenny, who are those cute little shadowy guys? I want to hug them and squeeze them and cuddle them and stroke them and pet them. {A creature - called a "Skuckzoid" (part 2) - activates a gadget that trans- mits a signal to let a smoke-bomb in the Olympic Fire explode.} MIKE: A smoke bomb. They're gonna take out everybody with a *smoke bomb*. [Panic] ARCEE : This is cooking my sensors. SPRINGER : I think that's the idea! CROW: More of that genuine Springer wit, comin' right up! [Panic] {The Witwickies are attacked.} S. WITWICKY : I may be going down, but you're coming with me. C. WITWICKY : You aren't even denting it! TOM: (announcer voice) That's cause every Mysterious Armor Guy is covered in Turtle-Wax! Yes, Turtle-Wax-nothing makes a mark on the shell! SPRINGER : This is gonna be a tough one. ARCEE : I can't see the attackers! SPRINGER : That's what makes it tough. CROW: Whose idea was it to have an Autobot Triple Changer? And why did it have to be Springer? RODIMUS PRIME : Munch protons! ULTRA MAGNUS : Uh, Rodimus is missing a few chips. MIKE: Not to mention any respect we had for him. TOM: Like we had any to begin with. CROW: That's what happens when you get Judd Nelson as your voice... KUP : Nah, I was the same way untill I got blown apart a few times. CROW: (Dana Carvey "grumpy old man" voice) And I *LIKED* IT! TOM: Nothing like a voice of experience to really point out how crappy the old days were, huh? SPRINGER : Cover me, I'm gonna douch the torch. {Gets shot at by Sharkticon} I said cover me, Arcee. ARCEE : {Fires and hits Sharkticon} SHARKTICON 1 : Aarh. ARCEE : Haha, is that good enough? CROW: Is it too late to watch Voltron instead? MIKE: Shut up. RODIMUS PRIME : What happened to 'em all? ARCEE : Looks like they either got blown away, or...vanished. TOM: OooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooohhhhhh..... RODIMUS PRIME : Well, what do you think, Kup? Kup? Ultra Magnus? They're gone! C. WITWICKY : So is Spike! MIKE: Okay, Kup I can understand, and maybe Spike, but who in their right mind would *want* Ultra Magnus? SPRINGER : They were kidnapped. CROW: Springer, master of the obvious. ARCEE : Yeah, and only odds on who did it. RODIMUS PRIME : This planet has quarantine. Nobody comes, nobody goes, until we find Kup, Spike and Magnus. TOM: But you said they were gone! ARCEE : And what if we don't? RODIMUS PRIME : Huh, then we'll trash every Decepticon in the galaxy. MIKE: Lucky thing they're all dying on one lousy planet. {A ship takes of} SPRINGER : So much for quarantine. I need a ship! ARCEE : And you'll need a gunner. {They both leave} TOM: Good riddance. RODIMUS PRIME : Why'd I have to be the chosen one? CROW: It's called Hasbro Marketing! BLURR : I've been on a stupid mission, I've been on a stupider mis- sion, but until right now, I've never been on a stupidest mission. WHEELIE : Some win, some lose. Decepticons part while Autobots snooze. Look, there's Unicron's head! It's still in orbit. MIKE: Get out of here, now, pronto, get gone. Annoying little bastards. CYCLONUS : Sweeps, move! There's nothing to fear, Unicron's dead. SOUND : Haaahuumhah. CYCLONUS : Must be the wind. SCOURGE : There is no wind in space. CYCLONUS : Cool it! TOM: (singsong) Cy-clonus is a chick-en, Cy-clonus is a chick-en... CYCLONUS : The memory bank must be in here. There it is. {After activating console} Find me the last visual appea- rance of Galvatron. {After some fighting scenes} Tracing Galvatron's trajectory, I can conclude that his remains ly on the planet Throb, cir- cling the red giant star Hybram. Scourge, spy the planet. {Scourge looks through hole in direction of Throb and zooms in.} SOUND : Mmm. SCOURGE : Galvatron lives! CYCLONUS : He shall lead us again. CROW: Yes, but he'll really be sucky because he won't have cool Leonard Nimoy vocals anymore. And he's nuts. {D/A; a plane of sorts is landing.} A. FARCADI : This is Abdul Farcadi, supreme military commander, president for life, and king of kings of the socialist, democratic fe- derated republic of Carbommia. I give no clearance to land! Do nothing to arouse my ire! TOM: Nothing like a crude ethnic stereotype for the kiddies! BLASTER : Hold your cool, Abdul. This is Blaster blastin' at ya from Earth Defense Command - EDC for short - flying carpet. We aren't looking to make no trouble. We're tryin' to find De- cepticreeps and bust _their_ bubble. CROW: I don't get it. Blaster rhymes, and Wheelie rhymes, yet Blaster is cool while Wheelie is annoying. MIKE: It's a generation thing. A. FARCADI : I would harbour no such criminals. And I give you my word of honour! MIKE: And ten thousand shekels! And my best camel! And the hand of a thief which just got cut off yesterday! BLASTER : We should trust you, and that's no lies, but these Decepti- cons have a good disguise. BLASTER : How're we gonna find the Decepticons? It's like a needle in a haystack. OUTBACK : Not with my trusty Decepticon-detector. BLASTER : No such thing. OUTBACK : You know that, and I know that, but... TOM: Wow! I never would have expected a cheap Brawn ripoff to come up with such a startlingly original plan...BLUFF... ABDUL FAKHADI : I assure you, there are no Decepticons in my country. OUTBACK : Let's see if the Decepticon-detector knows something that you don't. CROW: (Ghostbuster Egon voice) Yes...the PK meter has a very high reading here... RAMJET : Somebody must have squealed on us. DIRGE : Death comes to him who crosses me. RAMJET : Yeah? Well, death comes to us if we don't brust outta here and get to Char. MIKE: Sucky Starscream wannabes! You're going nowhere! {They take off; Outback throws some explosive after them and they crash.} BLASTER : Now you wanna talk, and make it snappy, 'cause my buddy here's triggerhappy. CROW: No, he's Outback. TOM: I thought that was in Australia. MIKE: Third base! OUTBACK : Where is "Char"? {A little while later, to Rodimus Prime, V.O.} ...coordinates nine zero D mark 8. RODIMUS PRIME : Our charts don't show any planets in that sector. No, wait. Here it is. I thought it was a smudge in the screen. TOM: Must be a radioactive smudge, seeing as how it's *glowing*. OUTBACK : {V.O.} Yeah, that fits the description of Char. RODIMUS PRIME : Good enough. Rodimus Prime over and out. PERCEPTOR : Had I been here enduring the attack, I might be able to tell you what it is. CROW: Perceptor is obviously a graduate of the Deanna Troi School Of Stating Nothing Useful. RODIMUS PRIME : Somehow it looks familiar, but it isn't any Decepticon I know. PERCEPTOR : Well, strictly speaking, Rodimus, we have no evidence they were behind the attack. MIKE: "And we have no evidence that the sun is going to rise tomorrow either". RODIMUS PRIME : Perceptor, there's only one way to know for sure. I'm going to Char. CROW: The burning question: will Rodimus get frequent-flyer mileage for this? PERCEPTOR : Oh, you mustn't go alone. I'll accompany you. RODIMUS PRIME : Remember what happened to the last few guys who tried to watch out for me? PERCEPTOR : Uh, your point is well taken, sir. You'll take Grimlock. TOM: Perceptor: pacifist or coward? On the next Geraldo. GRIMLOCK : [ecstatic] MIKE: He would be. {A/D; Springer and Arcee are still following the ship.} ARCEE : He's putting up a good fight. SPRINGER : Yeah, but not good enough. We'll nail him on the other side of that asteroid. CROW: Way to go, buddy. Fly blind where an enemy awaits you. SKUCKZOID : They Decepticon . {Flies behind asteroid} SPRINGER : Ah, the old past-the-asteroid-trick. ARCEE : You'd think he'd do something more original. {Big metal claw coming from the asteroid crushes their ship} SPRINGER : You got any snappy last words? TOM: "Buy my toys!" CROW: "Yeah, why the hell am I dating a shmuck like you?" MIKE: "On the whole, I'd rather be on Cybertron." SPRINGER : Gotta get outta here. ARCEE : Good idea! {on asteroid} Th and mechanical. SPRINGER : Let's investigate. MIKE: Springer, master of cliche. "Let's investigate." Agh. SKUCKZOID : {Just below surface} Pho sai cha. I surrender, I surrender. SPRINGER : {Blasts ground open to expose room below} Well, look at this. {They go in through the hole.} SKUCKZOID : Chsuchs... Pho sai cha. I surrender, I surrender. By galctic agreement you are obliged to honour my surrender and_ TOM: What a scummy little bastard. MIKE: Kill him, Springer! SPRINGER : I know what I'm obliged to do... {Puts barrel against throat} SKUCKZOID : Howgh. SPRINGER : And I don't care. CROW: Springer as Dirty Harry wannabe. Wow. SKUCKZOID : They paid good money, okay? ARCEE : The Decepticons? SKUCKZOID : The who? Oh, I mean yes, of course, the-the Decepticons. MIKE: You know, most people would figure out that the Decepticons didn't hire him. But most people aren't Arcee and Springer... ARCEE : Since you wrecked our ship, we're gonna have to take yours. Therefore, you're gonna have to take a hike. Got it? SKUCKZOID : I go_ I got it, I-I got it. {Runs away} ARCEE : You know how to fly this thing? SPRINGER : No problem. This'll take us right there. {Awkward flying by Springer} TOM: At this time, I'd like to plug the Rockaroid Driving School in West Cybertron. We GUARANTEE that you'll pass the test. ARCEE : Ha ha, flown a lot o' rockaroids, have you? SPRINGER : This must be a different model than I learned on. MIKE: Bull. Just admit that you're a loser. {The Skuckzoid's shuttle.} SKUCKZOID : The Autobots think the Decepticons did it. {Unidentified place.} UNIDENTIFIED : Precisely as we had expected. PERSON <3> TOM: Oh yeah, evil shadowy guys? You're just lucky that you got the two stupidest Autobots on your tail, man! SKUCKZOID : {V.O.} No small hunch to me, what about my bonus? UNIDENTIFIED : We will let you live...unlike some less fortunate prisoners. PERSON <3> SKUCKZOID : {V.O.} Wait, just a minute. You can't do this to me. You know who I am? I'm_ CROW: A shmuck with a really shrieky voice? TOM: Ethel Merman reborn? MIKE: The third Summers brother? {Unidentified person <3> cuts of transmission} {A/D; Char.} VORTEX : I say we pulveroverise the Autobots! I say we powderoverise 'em! ONSLAUGHT : I admire your passion, my friend. But what is our hope of defeating the Autobots when we can barely sustain ourself? MOTORMASTER : What we need is a strong leader. [Decepticons mumble in agreement.] Like, for instance, the Autobots used to have a great leader. CROW: Note the unspoken "And now they have this red loser." {Cyclonys and the Sweeps arrive} WILDRIDER : These guys better have some energon for us! DEAD END : Or what? WILDRIDER : Or...I'll think of something! TOM: Dead End seemingly has a mind. Why the hell is he on Char? CYCLONUS : Galvatron survives! [Decepticons cheer.] With sufficient energon, we can rescue him, and the Decepti- cons will rise again. {Astrotrain puts some energon cubes near Cyclonus' feet.} That's it, Astrotrain. These few steps you give today, will power the Decepticons to conquest of Cybertron, and then the galaxy. Give, my fellow Decepticons, give 'til it hurts. [Decepticons making noise] MIKE: Cyclonus doubled as a preacher in the Bible Belt, right? Back in the Seventies? DEAD END : If we surrender our energon, we're doomed. BREAKDOWN : And if we don't, we're doomed too. DEAD END : Face it, we're doomed. CROW: Dead End, the life of the party! MOTORMASTER : What kind of an attitude is that? Here's _my_ contribution. {Thud.} MIKE: Yes, folks, he's the leader of the Stuntacons. TOM: How did he get the nod, anyway? CROW: Probably copied off Starscream on the Decepticon Lesser Leader test. {A ledge on a mountain nearby.} RODIMUS PRIME : These guys are hurtin'. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Decepticons. MIKE: *Optimus* would have! TOM: Come on. Comparing this guy to Optimus is like comparing apples and oranges. CROW: No, it's like comparing apples and rotten apples. GRIMLOCK : Me Grimlock not feel sorry. Me Grimlock laugh. Hahahahahaha- hahahaha. CROW: Yup. That's Grimlock, all right. RODIMUS PRIME : You know, they couldn't have been responsible for the kid- nappings. GRIMLOCK : They not, but if not they, who are? _Who are th__ RODIMUS PRIME : Grimlock, sh! MIKE: *Optimus* wouldn't have been stupid enough to bring Grimlock on a spy mission! {Down.} CYCLONUS : Autobots! ALL: Duh. {Ledge.} GRIMLOCK : Me Grimlock not afraid of Decepticons. {Down.} CYCLONUS : Destroy them! {Shoots ledge} {Rodimus Prime and Grimlock fall. The Decepticons run towards them.} TOM: What a cliffhanger! CROW: Will they survive? MIKE: Will we care? TOM: Will be stay for Part 2? CROW: Do we have a choice? MIKE: Not really... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= * CAMPUS CRUSADE FOR CTHULHU!! * * Vote for the evil god with charisma! * * Remember: VOTE CTHULHU! DON'T SETTLE FOR THE LESSER EVIL! * =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=